I created this blog after (some) peer pressure from two VERY good friends of mine. I never really felt the urge to post in it until right now until the moment I needed somewhere to just let everything out. So I guess here goes.
Right now in my life it feels like everything is going wrong for so many reasons and tonight everything just came to blows with people I didn't want to get into an argument with and I really don't want to lose in my life. I know both will see this and I hope they understand things a bit better.
First of all there's my sister, she's 2 and a half years older than me. I adore my sister don't get me wrong I'd consider her one of my best friends but I just can't stand her or what she's doing to herself. At 22 years old she still lives with our parents. She dropped out of University and is now thousands of pounds in debt that she can't pay off. She also has never had a job (No not one in her whole life) and I'm scared for her. She has some issues I can tell but she closes herself off that she doesn't tell anyone. She drinks and no I do not mean little drinks every now and then, she drinks almost every night say half a bottle of vodka for a starting point... or tequila shots. I'm so worried about her she never goes out of the house unless her friends invite her out and she is always loaning money off me, that can't be right can it? A 22 year old loaning money of her younger, still a student sister? I don't think so. I share a room with her and she actually does nothing but stay in bed all day and watch TV. While I love her to pieces I cannot spend a lot of time with her at once, I leave the room I go downstairs, I go into my parents room I do anything to avoid her because I can't stand to see how she is destroying her life. The worst thing is she doesn't seem to care at all.
Moving on from her to some other problems. I just recently finished my A Levels back in June, for anyone outside the UK who doesn't know what they are they are qualifications that will allow you to enter University if you so wish. I already left my old school halfway through one set because the place just made me miserable. So I restarted the two years again in a different place, a college a lot less stricter and a lot easier for me to handle. I have a history of problems, mental and physical so it doesn't take much for me to get really upset and when I do get upset I can't forget things and they just build up and build up until I can't handle them anymore. This old school was doing this to me I couldn't take the building, the people, not even my closest friends anymore I needed out. The new college was amazing I made friends easily and found my subjects so much better. However on Thursday after two years of hard work, what happens? I get my grades and I FAILED. I got a DDU, for those of you not aware of our grading system a U stands for ungraded which means I failed so badly they just didn't think I deserved a grade. How much does that suck? I planned on going to the University of Wolverhampton to study a course called "Social Care and Social Policy" there is a small chance I might just get in with UCAS points from my previous attempt at these exams but the way my life is going I sincerely doubt it right now. I have a backup plan but it just doesn't seem as good and I don't know what to do now, looking for a job and just moving on seems like the best option but its not what I want to do.
In regards to other things I'm worried sick about some people right now. A dear friend of the family has a beautiful almost 2 year old son named Ali. I love Ali I really do he's an amazing little boy such a big personality and full of life. He's not been too well recently the poor baby has had several seizures over the past few months and every time his mother has taken him to hospital to be checked over she gets told its "croupe" I don't know but repeated seizures doesn't seem to match up. I'd like to believe he's ok but since this little boy means a lot to me I can't help but worry. Its been so bad he's been taken to hospital twice in the past week! His mother spoke to me on facebook and she sounded so stressed I just wanted to give her a big hug. He'll be 2 on the 1st September I just hope he stays well enough to go to his party, poor thing.
Other things in my family have been hard in the past few months. My father had an accident almost a year ago in which he broke his back and now he's unable to work, our lives have been effected in so many ways since that accident I can't even begin to describe them. My cousin had a gorgeous little girl named Siobhan. Siobhan when she was just a few days old contracted meningitis it left her blind, deaf and handicapped in so many other ways. Siobhan managed to live until she was 7 years old until she passed away last Spring. Siobhan's mother is my godmother and cousin so Siobhan's death had a great effect on me even though they live in England and I don't see them that often she's family and I care a lot about my family. All the feelings about Siobhan came back today. Her grandparents (my aunt and uncle) visited us with Siobhan's older sister Shannon. Shannon is wonderful so bright and chatty but their visit really reminded me of Siobhan and how much I miss her. When they left I cried over her death again I couldn't help it, I miss her so much.
Now for what has been going on tonight... oh where to start. I run a website and I'm so close to two of the girls on there I would consider them to be two of my best friends two of the most wonderful girls I've ever met. However its quite a small website and sometimes I feel like the size of it works against us because we just sort of implode. I've been letting silly things by one of the other girls make me really upset over the past few days and tonight it all just came out in one blow. We had a massive argument and I cried and considered shutting down the site because it didn't seem as though it would work again. In the end we both apologised to each other but I feel like I didn't say it enough especially when things were still so cold. I hate arguing with friends especially when I've grown to care so much for them. Things upset me so much so easily that I get so worked up I was almost hyperventilating earlier because I felt like everything was too much. I have old habits of what happens when I get really upset and I do not want to fall into those habits again EVER.
So J & G I know you're reading this I love you both and I wish what happened tonight hadn't happened but it did and I can't take it back now. Please lets move on and forget about it all. I do hope this blog post helps you understand me a bit better with whats going on with me it just feels like everything in my life is going so wrong and I can't control it :(
